Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Welcome to the Dr. Random podcast. I'm Dr. Sarah and here's the deal, we don't do boxes here. Every episode is different, every conversation has its own flavor, and no topic is off limits. If you're looking for predictable, this isn't it. But if you want real conversations, honest takes, and a touch of intellect in the best way, you're in the right place. This is Dr. Random podcast.
Hi, this is Dr. Random podcast and I'm Dr. Sarah.
And today I'm just kind of doing a little follow up to the podcast we did on the Fatherless Daughter Fatherless Daughter project book by Dr. Karen Louise, which was such an amazing time to collaborate with her and talk about all about her research and that book on fatherless daughters and the father wound.
I just wanted to share more of an intimate talk with you guys about what it's been like to lose my father and kind of just talk about my dad. And so you guys could kind of see the connection of why this book is so important.
So I grew up, I was very blessed. I had just an amazing home growing up. My parents, you know, they were awesome and they put, you know, us girls first. I'm the oldest of three girls and, and we were very close to my grandparents growing up, to my mom's parents and my dad's parents, and my aunt and uncle lived around the corner pretty much. So we had cousins growing up that were like brothers to us and we just had a big family unit. I also am the oldest of all the 13 cousins, which is kind of crazy. So I kind of have this, you know, the being the oldest mentality. I'm also, I think almost the only cousin left in the family besides a few who isn't married, doesn't have kids currently. So I am single, no children and.
But growing up, it was just amazing.
My dad was such a hard worker. He was in the Navy, so I'll give you a little background on that. He was in communications. He had such a cool background in the Navy. He was a super spook crypologist, which is no longer in existence in the Navy. And he was just a genius on computers. People would come from miles around to, if they had problems with their computers, he would know what to do.
He also dabbled in some photography himself, which I don't know if that's maybe where that kind of rubbed off on me a little bit. And, you know, he also had just a fun, very creative personality. He loved Star wars, he loved anything sci fi, and he was just fun.
My dad was a lot of Fun. And he drove Jeeps, so he always had a CJ5 that was, you know, souped up to go off roading. He went to the Rubicon a couple times.
He was an avid fisherman and an outdoorsman. He was a hunter. He like, he did duck hunting, deer hunting, all of that.
In fact, there's a funny story. I was in third grade and my elementary school, where I went, had a hat contest.
And I was trying to think. I go, yeah, dad, it's Crazy Hat day. What should I do? He goes, I have a really cool idea for you.
And so he took one of his duck decoys for duck hunting, and he cut out the bottom of it and made that my hat. So I had this duck on my head. And I actually won Crazy Hat Day out of the whole school. So I'll never forget that. That was fun.
And just, you know, he's always just such a supportive, fun dad. And then there was also a point where I think, well, this is going back to first grade.
We were selling Halloween candy. And I know this sounds like not a big deal, but when you're a kid, it's a big deal. He took, of course, I don't even know if they allow this anymore, but he went back to his work and a bunch of his co workers bought a bunch of my candy. And I sold the most candy in the whole school. And I think I won like $50, which is a big deal then. And I remember I bought this like.
I think it was this like, ballerina moving or dancing doll that I really wanted. And I know that just sounds silly, but that was such a cool thing when you're little.
And my parents also, you know, had some roots in church and they were Sunday school teachers in their free time. I really don't know how he did it. Now when I look back at his schedule, he had what you call his civilian job. That's what he referred to it as. That's, I guess, military thing. And he worked for General Mills and he was in the control room. And so as kids, we had this cool thing growing up too, where we always got to try, like, you know, the cereals first. I remember there were these things called Squeeze Its that we had drinks where you twist off the top. There are these squeeze it drinks. And we thought we were so cool because we were some of the first kids who got to try Squeeze its from the General Mills, you know, brand and like Betty Crocker, all that. And so it was just funny. That was his civilian job growing up. And he worked crazy hours I would say, like, he worked evening shifts sometimes, which they called graveyard, and he would work like 12 hour shifts. And so. But he always made time, no matter what. My family, they always made time to do the sit down dinners together. Like, despite his crazy schedule, we would always try to sit down as a family for dinner. That was always important.
And, you know, whenever he did his active duty in the Navy, we would always make a family vacation out of it every summer. So I was really lucky. I feel like we grew up going to San Diego. Coronado, Coronado Island. Nass north island, which is where the movie Top Gun was filmed.
And so I always felt a connection with the movie Top Gun just from staying on the base there. And there is a cool thing about growing up as a kid in that environment because, you know, you have access to the naval bases, which a lot of people don't, and you see and do things. And I also think that because of that, I have a really strong connection with appreciating our military forces and our veterans.
And today I actually, for a couple years now, I've been doing Wreaths Across America on Christmas, where we go and lay wreaths on the graves of veterans. And it's a really neat experience. I would highly recommend everybody doing it. You know, you just take about four hours out of your morning once a year to go and appreciate the veterans and lay the Christmas wreaths on their graves and you acknowledge their name as you lay the wreath down.
[00:06:46] Speaker B: My dad was on the USS Coral Sea during the Vietnam War.
[00:06:53] Speaker A: Which is.
[00:06:53] Speaker B: Really cool because I can now go to DC in different places where that's actually in memorials and things like that. And there's a connection with him and all the men he served with in the Navy, which is really cool. One thing that is really important to mention about my father is that while working, you know, his civilian job.
[00:07:18] Speaker A: Being.
[00:07:18] Speaker B: In the Navy, being a father, being a husband and a son, he and his paper route. He also was attending the University of San Francisco and he was earning his degree in computer science. He was, like I had mentioned, a genius on computers. He had so many cool ideas that he was just amazing.
[00:07:48] Speaker A: And.
[00:07:51] Speaker B: After he passed, he had pretty much he finished his degree, but he never got to see that fruition, which I think just has embedded something deep in me, which I think people sometimes wonder, you know, about all my schooling and everything.
[00:08:08] Speaker A: And it's because I see how hard.
[00:08:10] Speaker B: He worked to, to go and get this degree and then he wasn't there to like receive it or work with it or do anything with it.
So we actually attended his graduation ceremony, my mom and my sisters and I, and I think maybe my grandparents had gone too. I can't remember. That day was like a blur.
It was pretty fresh after he passed and we went to University of San Francisco and attended his graduation ceremony. And during the benediction we stood up.
[00:08:44] Speaker A: And they talked about my dad.
[00:08:47] Speaker B: And I'll never forget that feeling of having to fight back so many emotions in front of so many people.
And I remember that took a strength that day that I can't explain. It was so hard.
[00:09:05] Speaker A: And that was huge.
[00:09:06] Speaker B: That made such an impact on me. When we attended his graduation ceremony and he wasn't there and then they had us stand up and they mentioned him during the ceremony. They honored him in the benediction that was. That has made a huge impact on me.
And so I wanted to make sure that I had mentioned that and his little memoir, little video here, I mean, podcast session.
So anyways, yeah, my dad and his name was Steve Butts, in case anybody is wondering. Yes, Last name growing up was B U T T S.
So my dad was Stephen Ray Butz.
[00:09:51] Speaker A: So kind of fast forwarding a little bit. So yeah, we just had amazing time on the beach in Coronado while he worked. One week we would be vacationing there and then he had a week off. So we actually had two weeks that we would stay in Coronado on the beach every summer, which is amazing.
And I was about 20 years old when my dad had his heart attack. And it was very unexpected.
And I actually saw him the night before. And this is gonna sound funny, but he was watching the Sandlot, which is a funny movie, but we all relate that movie with my dad now because he loved that movie and he was watching that. And I remember I was going out with friends to go to San Francisco for the night. Where we I grew up. San Francisco is like a two hour drive. It's not far. And we would go there a lot to go do stuff at night and have fun.
And you know, I was 20 and young, I just turned 20 and I remember I stopped by my mom's house and my dad was there. He was like off for some reason. It seemed like he was never just off at home at work. And he, I remember I saw him and he's like, oh, you're going to San Francisco. And he was like, don't forget when you turn 21, he's like, you know, I want to take you to San Francisco myself and show you around all the cool spots. And I was like, okay, yes, yes. I was like, yeah, cool. You know, so I saw my dad, as everybody does in normal passing and conversation.
Well, just to also fill you in, he was working his civilian job at General Mills. He was also pursuing a degree with University of San Francisco. And he was almost like about to be done. Like he was finished. So he was doing that plus working, plus had a family. And this is going to sound kind of funny. He also did a paper route.
He was doing a paper route too. Like, so he was always as busy. I don't know if that's where I get it from. I'm always doing something, but.
And you know, he was always working really hard for his family.
And I'm getting emotional. Sorry.
So, okay, but this is real. This is the podcast. So.
So the next morning after we had gotten back from San Francisco, I actually was living with my grandparents at the time. And everybody might kind of laugh at this, but it was kind of like I felt like I was being rebellious, moving out of my parents house, but I was literally a couple miles away at my living with my grandparents who kind of spoiled me and let me have a master bedroom. They had two master bedrooms in their home.
And so it was, it was a great situation that I had. It was a great setup. And I remember hearing a bunch of sirens that morning, you know, and I was like, what is going on? Boy, those are a lot of sirens. I remember kind of woke me up, actually. It was around like seven in the morning or before that.
And then my grandmother walked in the room and she said, aunt Peggy's on the phone. You need to talk to her. She was like, something happened.
Your dad's in the hospital. You need to go to the hospital. And I was like, what? I was like, what? And so I jumped up and I got on the phone and she said, you need to come here, honey. You need to come to the hospital. Your mom's here and your sister and you need to come here now. And I was like, okay.
I was like, what? And so, you know, my. My friend Lisa was present and my cousin Michael was there too. We all were at my grandma's house. And so we got up and headed over to the hospital. And I remember walking in to the ICU room and my mom was covered in blood. And I was like, what is going on? And she was just shaking and everybody was like surrounding her. And I was like, what's going on? And then somebody like, I was like, just remember being in this weird days. And somebody led me into this room where my dad was laying and, and sorry, I was checking on little Ava here and he had like all these tubes in him and he was unconscious and just laying there. And I was like, what the heck? It just felt like it was almost like an out of body experience.
It was just horrifying, like even talking about it and the images in my eyes, that's why I'm getting so emotional right now. Like, it's like you're reliving it almost.
And so what I found out why my mom was covered in blood is because it's kind of a funny story, but the last thing my dad said to my mom was nice butt.
And they were in the room together and I guess they were getting ready like they do in the morning. And he was like, nice butt and like left the room.
And then my mom heard a crash in the kitchen. And that was when he had the heart attack. And his chin hit like something sharp on, I think it was like a microwave cart or the counter, something like that.
And my sister, my middle sister Katie was home when this happened. My youngest sister Laura was traveling with friends on the coast, up on the north coast, near Jenner, I think is where she was at Sea Ranch.
And that's kind of a crazy drive, like to get back to where we were. It takes about three hours. So it wasn't like a quick thing. She could get to us.
But if anybody remembers back then, this was.
People used to connect WI fi through the phone cord.
And this was all new, you know, it wasn't like we really had WI fi back then.
And so in a panic when my dad had the heart attack, my family didn't know what to do because they couldn't just pick up the phone and call 911 because it was connected to the computer and they had no idea what to do. So my sister had to run across the street and tell the neighbors to call 911.
So I just, you know, I wasn't present when all this happened, but I just imagine like chaos. That's just tragic that my sister had to experience that and my mom.
And to this day I really feel for my sister Katie being present with all that. I just can't imagine.
And so then he was taken by ambulance and fast forward to the hospital. He was in a coma for nine days. And then he passed and they.
And it was odd because we'd go in there and we'd hold his hand and talk to him because they said, you know, we don't know what's gonna happen, but if you talk to him, he can probably Maybe hear you.
And so if you can imagine nine days of this, of going in and trying to hold his hand and talk to him and hoping maybe he'll get through this, but he didn't.
And.
And we got the call.
It was like. I remember I went back and stayed at my mom's house during this time just to be present with my family. And we got the call. I think it was around like 2 or 3 in the morning or something that he had passed. And I remember it was just like, whoa. It was just.
I mean, it's hard to explain. And everybody says, you know, unless you've been through it, like the loss of a parent, the feeling of this is just so heavy.
And I also feel like, you know, you want to know why you're going through so why would God let this happen? You know? But I also feel like God and the angels, I just feel this way. We're so close to and so present during this time because I don't know how anybody can survive going through this without some kind of spiritual intervention because it's. It's just tragic and it's so what it. What goes on with the heart, mind and soul and body all at the same time when you go through a loss is like a death like this that's just so sudden and not expected. I mean, it is.
I don't know, it's. It's gut wrenching.
And so what I reason why I'm sharing all this is because I just wanted to, you know, see what.
How people see that. The Fatherless Daughter project book is important.
And I would say also my faith has been so important and getting me through everything.
And there's a lot of factors and layers with losing a father.
You think? I think one of the first things naturally that girls think about is who's gonna walk me down the aisle, you know?
You know, my dad. Oh my gosh, when I have kids, my kids aren't gonna know him. Like, they're not gonna have a grandpa, you know, they're never gonna know him.
And that in itself is just such a huge loss, you know, when you have such an amazing father like him and the fact that he died young and, you know, to think that, like, people who never got to know him that you wanted him to know.
It's like you. You just talk about the memories, you talk about him and, you know, and I think I have a cousin who was very close to my dad. They used to go paintball gunning a lot and fishing together and stuff, because my dad had three Daughters. So my cousin Andy was kind of like a son he, you know, never had. They were very close.
And people have weird reactions to grief and loss and death. You don't know how people are going to react. Well, my cousin Andy, I think he punched a hole in the wall at the hospital.
So, you know, it's just. It was very riveting for a lot of people. And it also woke a lot of people up because my dad was very young. He was only 47 when he died.
And so people think, like, if you're 47 out there in your 40s, and you think, wow, you know, I think that's also when I. Why I've been such kind of a health advocate with what I eat. I do the Bikram yoga. I'm really trying to watch what I do. I even went through a weird stage where I went to a cardiologist and thought there was something wrong with my heart. It was weird. I just had weird reactions. After my dad died, you know, I thought, oh, I'm going to have a heart attack. You know, it was strange. I went to a cardiologist. I had a point where I, like, went and got all this stuff on me, like, check my heart.
And, you know, I. I just want to talk to people out there who are. Maybe have gone through this or are going through it, to know that what you're feeling or experiencing, you know, grief has many faucets and layers to it. And everything you're feeling and doing, you know, it's not wrong. It's just who you are. And, you know you're gonna get through it. You all have days, it took a long time where you can think about him. And you're not just gonna start crying. You're not gonna be in the car or hear something that reminds him. You're not just gonna break down and start crying, which is what happened for years.
And, you know, I would say Father's Day, his birthday, the date of his death, the date of his heart attack. There's so many things that remind me and make me think of him.
And, you know, you get stronger and stronger as time goes on, and you'll still have moments where you have unexpected, you know, tears or laughs, you know, and that's. That's just part of the journey and part of the process of grief.
And I highly recommend. I know a lot of churches offer help with grief, and I recommend that. I recommend diving into your Bible, daily journaling, doing devotions, just surrounding yourself with family and supportive friends.
And I also want to bring this up for. You know, the way I lost my dad was like, you know, a tragic death and, like, sudden. But there's people out there, you know, I know you have your father's present, but, you know, they're not there for you or they're not, you know, choosing to be in your life. And that's such a huge loss, too. And I. I feel for that pain.
And, you know, I would say, you know, just seek comfort, family and friends and talk to people. Go to therapy. Therapy is very helpful. Don't be ashamed of therapy. There's nothing wrong with going to therapy. I think everybody should have a therapist.
There's no shame in that.
And, yeah, I just really feel for everybody out there, and I have a big heart for those who, you know, have lost their parents or, you know, especially unexpectedly. But also. And I'm not saying that is more of a loss. I'm just saying that I just. Because I've been through it, so I really can relate.
And also the fact that, you know, and I just want to know that everybody out there know that I, you know, I have a heart for those who also, you know, just don't have their dads present. I know currently, for confidentiality purposes, I won't say who in my family, but their father is actually incarcerated and not present.
And I feel for, you know, just those family members who are dealing with that. And that is a loss. It's. It's a void, and it's still a father wound, even though he's still alive, but he's not present the way I know they want him to be in their lives.
And, you know, there's resources out there, and I, you know, just wanted to open up a little bit and just kind of share with people about this journey and how it's hard. And, you know, there's so many things that, for instance, with my commencement ceremony with my doctorate, it did feel like there was a loss and a void with him not being there, even though he's been gone so long. It felt like, gosh, my dad should be here today. You know, it. It was such a, you know, huge accomplishment for me. And it felt like, you know, I don't have my dad present.
I do hope and pray that, you know, and I'm not saying that I, you know, husband or significant other, like, it's totally different relationships with that, but I think that I'm excited and looking forward to when I do have somebody in my life who understands what I've been through with this and kind of what it's like when those dates do come up it just if you guys have fatherless daughters in your lives, be aware of when it's Father's Day, when it's the date their death, when it was their birthday and holidays. There's just so much to it and it is, you know, it's a hurt, it's a wound and it gets better with time. It does, but it's still there and and I think it just makes you know, those who've been through it more appreciative life and those who are in our lives. I think that we tend to not take things for granted as maybe some people do.
But yeah, this is so I just want to do this follow up to the Fatherless Daughter Project book and I highly recommend the book and also I would say just dive in your Bible daily even if it's a chapter a day, I swear that helps. That's just me but that's my journey.
SAM.
