Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] Dr. Sarah: Okay. Hello and welcome to the Dr. Random podcast. I'm Dr. Sarah and today I am privileged to have the guest, Brianne Davis. And some of you. Hi Brianne. And some of you may know her. She is a Hollywood actress and a book author and she has her own podcast, the Secret Life Podcast, which is, which is really good to listen to. I'm a fan. And yeah, so quick kind of guest snapshot with Brianne.
She's been in Prom Night, True Blood, Lucifer Casual, and a lead role is Lena Graves in the History Channel 6. Is that correct? Okay.
All right, cool. And then really exciting, she has a bright book called Becoming My Own Effing Soulmate.
[00:00:56] Brianne: Right.
[00:00:57] Dr. Sarah: Want to read it? Okay. And really good book. I had the privilege of reading a copy and it's so good.
And yeah, and she also wrote a novel, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict, which is also an amazing book that I have read.
But yeah, Brianne, I'm going to let you kind of take the little stage here, as you want to call it and you know, just kind of introduce yourself to everybody.
[00:01:22] Brianne: Yeah, I, I was a actress for about, geez, I don't even know, 25 years. And I always say I was like working actor. Like I'm not a big name, but I, you know, I worked all the time and I've done a bunch of stuff. But then right after Covid, it's like I got in the mental health field. I wrote a book, I wrote articles for HuffPost about recovery and sex and love addiction. I have over 17 years of my own recovery in sex and love addiction. And then I help others get out of that cycle and loop and pattern of looking for someone outside of them to complete them. And so since then, since the books came out, I have my own coaching business and I work with over 40 people all over the world and I just love what I do that I, I not in entertainment anymore, but I'm like still helping people even with everything I went through when I was an actor and before that.
[00:02:17] Dr. Sarah: Amazing. And I love that you're helping others out. Like that just shows, you know, your genuine, you know, kind of driving you to want to help others. So I love, that's what I love about you.
And basically the 20 year career in front and kind of behind the camera with Jarhead and Prom Night and all these movies.
Was there like a specific, specific moment or role that you would say where the gap between your glamorous image and your kind of internal reality kind of started to become impossible to ignore?
[00:02:56] Brianne: Well, yeah, I I was on set away from my boyfriend at the time, who I lived with. And I remember I, I love my boyfriend. I loved, but I was on set away, and all of a sudden I started intriguing with people and like, I acting available when I wasn't. And I'm like, what is going on? And I just remember being in my hotel room that night going, oh my God, like, am I going to be that person that's always chasing this fantasy of this magical moment or the feeling of falling in love and all of that, like for the rest of my life? I said, am I going to be doing this till I'm 80 years old? And that was the moment. And it was the middle of my career. It was actually at like a height, like I was doing great, so everything should have been great. And I just remember feeling so disconnected for myself and so empty. Like the thing I thought I wanted to be, a working actor making a career, getting bigger parts on movies and shows and stuff like that, getting recognized sometimes very few, but sometimes that I literally was like, what is a matter? Like I should be so happy and I'm empty.
And so that was the start of it. And then reaching out to my therapist at the time and me talking with her and then she said, you picked the worst career for what you have. And then she said, I was a sex and love addict and I've never heard of that before. And my husband, who was my boyfriend at the time, he's been in AA for now over 38 years. He's 38 years sober. And at that time it was like 20 something years. He's never heard of sex and love addiction. And that's why I even, I would say, got pushed into this job that I do now because I didn't want to do this job. But I.
There's not many people that know about it or specialize in it or help people or even rehabs. Like, I have such a hard time finding rehabs that help people with sex and love.
[00:04:49] Dr. Sarah: Okay, yeah, I, I remember, you know, just reading your book, it is something new that people don't really talk about or it's kind of maybe, maybe even considered taboo or something.
[00:04:59] Brianne: But yeah, very taboo.
Yeah,
[00:05:06] Dr. Sarah: but it's like, you know, there are some things in the book that maybe people don't think about that maybe they're not full on in it, but maybe they borderline on it or even touch on it a little bit or it could have gone deeper and gotten to be where it was a full blown addiction for them, you know, so it's it is interesting. So I recommend everybody listening to check out the book and read it and get a copy. So, and so how. How would you describe to the audience about recovery from something like that? Do you want to talk about that?
[00:05:39] Brianne: Oh, my gosh. See that. That's a hard question. You just came. Everybody's recovery is so different. That's the thing. Not one black and white don't drink. Right. So the problem is you need relationships in your life. And it's like I realize even in my own recovery that I use friends to film me, that I. When I was in a bad mood, I call someone to make me feel better. And that's a form of intriguing in general, getting someone else to fix your feeling. So I look at, like, the outskirts. Everybody flirts. Most people intrigue. Some people, you know, just like to have connections or close friendships with probably people they shouldn't. Or they go and look on Facebook at their exes from high school or whatever it is. So this addiction, like, permeates the world.
And my, you know, you have a problem if you cannot stop. So if you are like, why am I doing this? Why can't I stop doing this? I know this is wrong. I shouldn't be talking to this person or flirting or giving out my number or having an affair, whatever it is, or compulsively masturbating or whatever it is, or pornography. It's like if when you realize I do this often and I can't stop and I know I need to stop, that's when it's a problem and it's affecting your. And it's disconnecting from your reality.
[00:06:59] Dr. Sarah: Yeah.
[00:07:01] Brianne: So recovery is really hard because some people, you know, for me, my recovery looked like I didn't have any guy friends. I didn't talk, text, email, any men whatsoever.
I stopped making eye contact with men for two years. And I'm talking like, waiters. I'm talking like every single. Every time I went outside, my head was like, down because I realized it was constantly giving off that energy of like.
Like, that energy when you can tell someone's, like, available.
So that was my recovery. And it was really hard. It was withdrawal for nine months. It was horrific.
But other people's recovery is so different. Some people just stop watching porn. Some people have to break up with that toxic person. They can't break up and go, no contact. So it's all different. It's. It's such a wide variety of activities and behaviors. People do.
[00:07:52] Dr. Sarah: Yeah. And so interesting.
And basically it's. I hopefully I'm referencing this, correct? The HuffPost.
[00:08:03] Brianne: HuffPost, yeah. Huffington Post. The article.
[00:08:06] Dr. Sarah: Yes. Yeah, the Huffington Post. So about realizing that you were a sex and love addict, and it got over a million views, and, I mean, what was it like to break, you know, animal so publicly? And what response surprised you most? I mean, that had to be, like, so vulnerable.
[00:08:24] Brianne: I mean, honestly, my husband and I had that conversation recently, and he's like, why did you do that? And I was like, I don't know why I did it. I don't know. I don't know. I feel like I. I don't know if people listening believe in God or the universe or something bigger than them. It was almost like something else was driving that.
Writing the article, writing the book, starting to work with people, doing my trauma training. All of that stuff was not guided by me. So, honest to God, I don't even remember the moment I decided to write that article. I can't tell you. I think maybe I just blacked it out or something. But it was when it came out, I was like, what did I just do? And then that day, nothing horrible happened.
No catastrophic thing. And then I thought, I'm free. Like, there's. I am not bogged down by any of my shadow. I put everything out there so I can walk really free. So anybody's judgment or calling me names or some people congratulating other people thinking I'm a horrible person, it's. It's like water off my back. It doesn't even matter to me because, yeah, I've been my worst critic, and I've stood in the fire and I've burned and I've come out on the other side.
[00:09:40] Dr. Sarah: Mm.
Yeah. It's. I almost feel like, in a way, probably just felt like a release or relief.
[00:09:47] Brianne: Right.
[00:09:47] Dr. Sarah: Like you were saying.
Yeah.
[00:09:50] Brianne: So I wrote it when I had 10 years of recovery already. I do know that.
And I remember thinking, a part of people in my life knows about this, but the business world and on set, and those people didn't know. So it was finally, like, at full integration. Like, I had the whole recovery world I was with for a decade and knew everything in this other world that didn't. So it felt like I was integrated fully.
Time.
[00:10:15] Dr. Sarah: Okay.
Yeah. And something just a little more so, like, how you help your listeners and your clients and all of this. And, you know, I love always listening to everything that you're talking about on your social media and how you help your listeners distinguish between chemistry and trauma bonding or fantasy addiction. And I know you talk about Trauma bonding a lot. And fantasy addiction to kind of want to let us hear about that.
Yeah.
[00:10:44] Brianne: So I.
One of the main things I realized doing the work that I've done is it all starts in our brain. So we attach magical quality to somebody or something to complete us. And so most people in a sex and love addiction or the toxic relationship or whatever, the attachment styles, if someone's an anxious attacher, a demis dismissive avoidant, all of it is actually based in fantasy. What we are projecting onto the other person. So all the 17 years, it finally occurred to me and. And I was sitting with a client and we worked. She worked so hard on her love addiction, got out of that toxic relationship.
[00:11:23] Dr. Sarah: She.
[00:11:23] Brianne: We healed her, you know, core wounds that we were working on. Then she started healthy dating and then going through that process. And then she met someone and they have a healthy relationship. And I tracked it and she started spiraling in the healthy relationship. And I'm like, what is going on here? And she's like, it doesn't feel like I wanted to feel. It doesn't like. And she kept saying, he's supposed to be this, he's supposed to be that, he's supposed to be that. And I'm like, but that's not the reality sitting in front of you. And it hit me that this addiction and a lot of people get stuck fantasy of something instead of the reality. So I created the fantasy loop that really helps people. Like the emotional emptiness. Then somebody activates them. Then they project a fantasy on and then that's that push pull of the toxic relationship. You know, like someone love bombs. And then they disappear or they ghost or they Banksy them or whatever words you use in social media land that people are.
So it's that on and off reinforcement and then you abandon yourself and become obsessed with this thing or this person. And then you have to go into a collapse and withdrawal where it's like reality is in your face and it's in that moment they either go back to that cycle again or go into the healing loop. So I really love getting to talk about that. Every single, pretty much addiction is. I don't want to live in reality. I want to live in fantasy. So I can take any addiction.
[00:12:52] Dr. Sarah: Yeah.
And so basically it's like people chasing unavailable people.
It sounds like. Or replaying the same painful patterns like you said. And you know, I was gonna say it's interesting because I had somebody say, comment to me, maybe you'll find this interesting.
There's been a lot of talk recently about the Age gap relationships, like older woman, younger man, you know, And I had somebody who said it's like, well, does that make the guys go out the window? It's like maybe they have this fantasy of the older woman being more like forward. It's like, no, we still want the guy to like, even if there's an age gap, like, I want that younger guy to ask me out or be forward with me and tell me how he feels. Just because I'm an older woman doesn't mean I have to be this like, strong coming. You know what I mean? And I thought is that like kind of a, like misconception out there with how older women are when they deal with younger men? Which I thought was kind of interesting. It's like, no, I still want to be the one who's pursued. And yeah. Even though there is an age gap. So that's interesting. Like, well, most of the fantasy, I
[00:14:02] Brianne: don't, I don't ever like, want to say like it's black or white, but majority of the time when an older woman goes for a younger man, it's because they're the woman. And please take this with a grain of salt. Is in her masculinity more. And she. There's a power dynamic. And I'm not saying this happens with everything, but there is some safety when it's a woman that's more established and a younger man that is not. And yes, I get the older woman. Woman does still want to be courted and treated a certain way and treated like, you know, put on a pedestal. Right. Like, we all love to put that feeling of someone courting and chasing us. But I just think that might how it starts at the beginning, but the goal is always to the woman to be like, in her masculine and feminine and the man and his masculine and feminine. So it could start like that, but then it could develop into something that's more balanced.
Yeah.
[00:15:00] Dr. Sarah: And.
And kind of going more into the fantasy loop and coaching real quick. And then I don't want to dive into your books, but it's like, what do you think is actually. And maybe you feel like we kind of already went over this, but like what's happening emotionally and neural, neurologically or emotionally in the moment and like interrupting it. Like, would you say as a trauma, you know, you're a trauma informed coach. So how, how do you draw that line? And what would you say, you know, the kind of clients or patterns that you see most often?
[00:15:35] Brianne: Well, it's a whole brain rewire. So that's what I tell People, you're not broken. You just need to be rewired. And this is a pattern and behavior you've probably done for pretty much most of your life or with a parent. Most. Majority of it is mother wound. The mother wound is really hits all the relationship stuff. So to change and rewire, you have to be aware of it first. So the first step is always awareness. And then it's regulating your nervous system. So it has to go to the body first because you will just. Because the thought will go there and it hits the body and the body is emotion. So you have to stabilize and regulate yourself. And then to get out of reality and fantasy, you have to go, what is real and what is not? What am I making up? What are the things that I think I know or I'm trying to get control over? I'm trying to figure out and get back into reality what is real in this moment. And then it's healing yourself. So it's like you have to go in these stages to then start the rewire. And it's.
It takes time. And people always get. When I work with someone, they're like, shouldn't that be done already? And I'm like, okay, how many years have you been doing this? And then we have to rewire, which takes a while because it's like two steps forward, one step back, three steps forward, two steps back. That's how it works.
You heal the wound that wanted that. And then you go into building your sense of self. And then in that you see, what do I want in healthy relationships? And if I get triggered again, I choose the opposite. And everybody's is different. So it's not one clear set plan for somebody. But the number one thing is you have to rewire your brain. You have to change your brain.
Yeah.
[00:17:23] Dr. Sarah: And it's interesting because, you know, you talk, you're an actress. And I think sometimes Hollywood has played into our fantasy role. Of course.
Yeah. And it's like, you know, and it starts off with us as little girls, the Disney Prince Charming, you know, that's gonna rescue you.
[00:17:45] Brianne: Or you have to lose your voice to get the man. Or you have to change your appearance like Cinderella to get the man. Yeah. It starts that young. But it's funny because working in Hollywood so long, I even would be like, oh, that's fantasy. Oh, that's not real. Oh, that's.
That whole storylines hogwash is not really how it works.
So, yes, I think Hollywood has pushed that on society. But because people want that feeling of that euphoria that first Time falling in love. And it's so dramatic and intense that they think that's how a healthy, stable, long term relationship is going to feel like.
[00:18:27] Dr. Sarah: And it's not.
[00:18:28] Brianne: Yeah, yeah, it's not at all.
[00:18:31] Dr. Sarah: And yeah, that's so funny because. And then when you do kind of run into a situation where you actually, you know, get the butterflies or you meet somebody that has that effect on you, I think it is rare though. I think it happens. But like you said. But then it's like the reality has to set in, so.
[00:18:49] Brianne: But yeah, I work with. If we get butterflies, we're supposed to run the other way because that's just, that's just a. Your body's react. Chemical. Chemical reaction. Oh, that person. Yes, you could find them attractive. But do you know if they're a nice person, if they're nice to the waiter, if what their values are like, we think butterflies mean this is it. And unfortunately, if you act on the butterflies all the time, you kind of miss like what's actually there.
[00:19:16] Dr. Sarah: Yeah.
[00:19:17] Brianne: Our thing is if you get a butterfly or get like.
And like you feel like you're losing yourself, it's time to turn and go the other way. Like, that's a red flag for sex and love addicts. A huge red flag.
[00:19:28] Dr. Sarah: Yeah.
It's interesting. Yeah. So it's like, yeah, get to know the person. Of course. Yeah.
[00:19:35] Brianne: I have a plan with four people. Most people, you know, you don't. You go on the first date and you can only ask certain questions. Then by the third date, you can hold hands. By the fifth date, you can get more physical. And it's like, then you ask about their past. So it's like you have to slow down the process. And with social media in the world, everything's sped up, so you have to really slow it down.
[00:19:57] Dr. Sarah: Yeah.
[00:19:57] Brianne: But I want to say something about the Disney thing. No Disney movie has ever seen. Oh, let's have that character work on the five types of intimacy. Most people don't even know the five types of intimacy. Like, okay, which is physical, obviously. Emotional, spiritual, intellectual. And then the other.
Why did I forget the other one
[00:20:18] Dr. Sarah: all of a sudden?
[00:20:19] Brianne: I'll think of it. But it's like, okay, intellectual, emotional, physical, spiritual and social intimacy.
Five types. So in a relationship or someone you meet, you work on those five types of intimacy. And nobody ever does that work.
[00:20:36] Dr. Sarah: Okay.
Look at you.
[00:20:38] Brianne: You're like, okay, I don't know.
[00:20:42] Dr. Sarah: I'm like, okay, why? I'm single. No, I'm just kidding.
But like, yeah, that's Awesome. I love hearing all this and I just think, yeah, I feel like we could go on and on and diamond everything, but I think I kind of want to get into your books right now.
[00:21:03] Brianne: Yeah,
[00:21:05] Dr. Sarah: I don't know if you want to focus more on the life of a Hollywood sex and love addict or we could go there first. Or if you just want to focus more on your most recent book or however you want to do it. Well, they both go together.
[00:21:19] Brianne: So the first book, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict. Longest title ever. I know. And it's about Robin and it's based on my life. Everything is not everything is real, just so you know. Some of it is fiction, which I never tell anybody what's real or not real. And her going through the process of finding out she's a Hollywood actress, C list actress, going through trying to figure out what's wrong with her and why she keeps getting in these situations with her co stars and men and the people in her past and even our friendships. And she literally finds herself at the end. So she goes through the Sex and Love Addict program and stuff like that. And so then Becoming My Own Effing Soulmate is the follow up book where Roxy gets to like really, really work recovery in a healthy way. And it also goes into the friendships and the friends that she has in the book and their stories, which I really loved. And that one is complete fiction. So I'd like to tell people. Yeah, all right. Yeah.
[00:22:20] Dr. Sarah: And the friends. You said the friends, right?
[00:22:25] Brianne: Well, the friends are like cool. I. I don't ever name anybody which some people love and some people hate. But I really wrote this book. Those two books as entertainment. Entertainment.
Because most sex and love addict books and healthy relationship books are so boring.
Sorry. I find them very boring.
[00:22:45] Dr. Sarah: Okay.
[00:22:46] Brianne: So I wanted to write a fiction book that could entertain you and become a TV show and that you could learn what Sex and Love Addict is and you could literally read it and go, oh my God, that's me. Oh my God. My sister does that or my.
My ex does that or whoever. And it really about what it is, but it entertains at the same time.
[00:23:07] Dr. Sarah: Love that. Yeah, the.
It is a very entertaining book. It's not boring at all. So. Yeah.
And. And then this sequel, like the Becoming My Own Effing Soulmate. And yeah, let's.
[00:23:25] Brianne: Well, the sequel is. So there's also rules. So the first book has the 10 rules that she lives by and then the sequel, a 10 new rule she lives by. And I love.
I personally love the Sequel more. I just. Every time I read it or I did the audiobook, I cried. Like, I don't know. There's something about it. I put a lot of my heart in it, even though it's not story.
And I put my creativity in it more. And obviously there is a love interest and how she goes about starting to healthy date and the. The brutal of online and healthy dating, especially in Hollywood, and then have having to recovered person in sex and love addiction and have relationships with other friends that are still in their addiction or love addiction and how you get through that and balance it. Because I did go through that. I lost a lot of friends because I was too much of a mirror for them. Yeah.
So it's a very fine line when you do this recovery, not to put it on other people, but to make it available, but never to, like, put it on anybody else. Like, you have this problem about that in her journey and her starting to fall in love again and fully in going back to an ex, she goes back to the ex. Everybody does always one more time around that spiral. So that's what. I just love the book. I think it's so good.
[00:24:53] Dr. Sarah: Yeah.
And just so everybody knows. Audience listening. The character is Roxy.
[00:24:58] Brianne: Yes. Roxanne.
[00:25:00] Dr. Sarah: Roxanne. Roxanne. Okay.
Yeah. And it's.
I recommend it because it's just good. Like you said, soulful reading. You can feel the heart in it and the soul. And I think it's very helpful. And I think it opens up kind of like you kind of have those moments where, like, oh, I never thought of that in that way. Like, I feel like you open up a lot of things where in certain situations, like, maybe I didn't look at it that way before, and I'm seeing it this way now, you know, so it's good.
[00:25:32] Brianne: And I do. And the thing is, that's why I put. She breaks the fourth wall. So she. Roxy's crossing. Roxanne's talking to the reader. Like, you get inside her thoughts, which, you know, a lot of editors hated that and said, that's not how you write a book, Brianne. And I said, well, I'm not a writer, so I can write it any way I want. Like, I can do whatever I want. And.
And there is a lot of cursing because I feel like your own subconscious, you can be the hardest. And those are those darkest thoughts in the shadow part is there. And so I really wanted to allow the reader to full see the full person see, to see the addiction, to see the heart, see the struggle, to see like the great parts of her, but also like the shadow, dark parts of her. Because we all got light and darkness.
[00:26:19] Dr. Sarah: Yeah. Yeah, for sure.
Yeah, I think that.
And it's. It's like somebody on my last podcast said, we have two wolves in our mind. That's the one you feed more.
But, like, I just thought that was, you know, interesting because I think a lot of underlying stuff I feel like with dating and relationships is also your confidence, like, in our minds. I love that you did the inside head dog, because sometimes I feel like we talk ourselves out of stuff that we should do and sometimes we do this stuff that we should have talked ourselves out of. Like, because, you know, you think, oh, because for some reason it feels easier to take this step or that seems to, you know, I don't know. Or I have found, like, with me, I feel like I take. When I feel like I take chances sometimes to try to, like, I don't know, people.
It's just interesting. I don't want to dive too deep into myself.
I don't know. But it's just, you know, I think, like, with the whole dating app stuff, it's like, I'm not on the dating apps, you know, maybe I should be. I don't know. But, like, it's just I have found that, like, the whole thing around, it's like I want them to get to know me, not just, you know, my body. So.
[00:27:47] Brianne: But that's the thing. So, yeah, the dating apps are like a tool. That's how I tell my clients use it.
[00:27:52] Dr. Sarah: It is a tool.
[00:27:52] Brianne: It's not the end all, be all. And you have to realize it's like, it's just like the best of that person are. Are filtered or whatever. And you have to, I always say, like, if you're going to use the dating app, get on and off it fast. Do not sit there and swipe. Give yourself a 10 minutes just to, like, see if anybody. And then if it's not. The main thing I always tell people is go out in the world and have a genuine connection. Ask friends. They have anybody available. Like, you have to put yourself out there, learn a new skill.
Talk to the person at the coffee shop. It's like, let's do it old school because the new way is not working. And the swiping they did to make it addictive. So most people are on those dating apps just to get that validation, the hit, oh, someone's interested and I'll message them back and then message again and then they're done because they got a hit. And so I really tell people when they do the dating apps is like, don't take it personal if someone talks to you and then just ghost and just know it's not about you. Because people take it so personal.
Like, 99% of the time, it has nothing to do with you because they don't know you.
[00:29:00] Dr. Sarah: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm just like. And I've. I've had moments where it's like, especially guys, maybe you can say something on this where I'm like, wow, that was such a connection. Like, I felt something, like there was a connection there. And then I think it's kind of going good and maybe it's gonna go somewhere. And then it's like, crickets. Yeah. But then. Then they'll do little, like, things. Because, like, if you're in the same circumstance, you're like, wait. You know? And so it's like, am I. Is my radar just totally off or is like, you know, I find that happening a lot. Like, is my radar totally off on how I'm sensing guys around me or, you know, and then sometimes it'll be like, oh, that guy seemed totally into. I'm like, what? I'm like, no, I'm like, like, I'm not into that.
[00:29:50] Brianne: I think we. I think we take a one good date, are one in general. One good date. Connection or conversation, and that's the fantasy, and we add more to it instead of just going, oh, this was just a great first date. It's a great first date, and that's all it could be.
[00:30:08] Dr. Sarah: Yeah.
[00:30:09] Brianne: Date. What did I learn about myself? Did I show up the way I wanted to? Did I keep my boundaries? Did I over share? Did I, you know, do the thing I didn't want to do or tell?
Get what I'm saying? Instead of going, this was just a great first date and I had a lot of fun, and I'll see what the next day action is. They attach too much to that one moment. Yeah. And so it's the next actions is the most important. I tell people, like, dissect the first date and say, great, wonderful, and that's it. That's it. That's all it is. Are you okay if that's all it is, and then if you don't come back around, that's what it was.
[00:30:48] Dr. Sarah: Yeah.
[00:30:49] Brianne: Exactly.
[00:30:49] Dr. Sarah: Yeah. Right. Mm. I always. I joke, though, because of my age, because I'm older, I'm like, I'm gonna be on the fast track. I'll probably scare every guy because I'm like, if I'm Gonna have a baby. I have to do it, like, now.
[00:31:05] Brianne: That's. That is even gonna have you picking. Look at me. I'm, like, totally coaching you. That is you putting so much pressure on yourself, and then you're gonna pick someone. That's probably not great because you are looking at the. I want this thing, which. A baby, which you can totally have. I have tons of friends that froze their eggs and waited and had babies later in their life. I didn't wait in my life. Like, yeah, my sister did, too. We, like, in our four, in her 40s. Like, that is possible now. So I just think, like, if that's your goal, freeze your eggs so you don't have that pressure on yourself, so you pick an actually good partner.
[00:31:46] Dr. Sarah: Yeah. Yeah. Very true. Yeah.
[00:31:50] Brianne: Let's get you on this plan.
[00:31:53] Dr. Sarah: You're like, yeah, let's do it.
And would you say, like, I guess I just like the whole package of you with the podcast. Like, maybe we can go in the podcast right now.
Her. Her podcast, so everybody knows is the Secret Life podcast, where I'm. I'm just guessing. Most guests go on anonymously. Does any. Does anybody ever say, I just want to say who I am? Have you had that happen?
[00:32:22] Brianne: Well, the first two. Two years I had guests on, and they.
I would say half of the people.
No, I'd say, like, 40% said who it was. They said who they were. Majority of my guests, we always change the name. Always change the name. Nobody's ever on video, so they're not on YouTube. And it's. I keep it very private. And then I've had reach out and say, can you take my name off of it now? And all that stuff. And I'm like, sure. Like, so I had people come on and tell me their secret, and it was the. Everything you can imagine. The. The darkest secrets that most people never say to. Even funny, light, lighter secrets. And I. I really love that about Secret Life because it was giving other people a voice to finally be free like I felt. And my whole concept is, tell me your secret and I'll tell you mine. So I try to reveal something about myself embarrassing or something because I'm with you in that journey. And then the last couple of years, I've just been doing it because I've gotten so busy. And interviewing people is a lot of work, as you know. It's just like. So I just go on and talk about the most intense subject I've had of that week with my clients.
[00:33:35] Dr. Sarah: Okay.
[00:33:36] Brianne: I work through what people's, like, are going through and their secrets, and no one's ever revealed. I don't take anybody's identity ever. That's theirs. But I just talk about, like, if this week we were talking about emotional incest. If anybody knows what that is, it's a parent. When a parent, the child is giving the parent energies. If we're working on that, or a mother wound or toxic positivity or body dysmorphia. So I talk about a mental health subject.
Get it out in the open more.
[00:34:06] Dr. Sarah: Okay. Yeah, it's.
Yeah, it's good. I think it's helpful. It's healing. It's also very juicy. So, yeah, and it's, It's. It's entertaining and interesting to listen to. So. And yeah, so Secret Life podcast. So everybody knows listening. And you have over 300 episodes now.
[00:34:26] Brianne: Yeah, I think 350 or almost 350 episodes.
[00:34:31] Dr. Sarah: Yeah. Okay.
[00:34:33] Brianne: Yeah.
[00:34:34] Dr. Sarah: And yeah, it's interesting because even, you know, doing the podcast, I don't know if people know, but when you're done, you always kind of feel a little emotionally drained. Like not, not emotion, but you just. You feel like, okay, I need a cocktail now or something.
But yeah, I don't know.
But. But yeah, I, I enjoy the side of interviewing, and I know you do a lot of that. And so. And it's evolved from guest interviews into solo deep dives, as you mentioned.
And what would you say kind of made a shift of format of what topics kind of consistently tend to resonate most with the audience? Do you find, like, certain, like, generalized topics that are secrets that people seem to want to get off their chest on the show? Would you say you found there's more of one certain topic over others? Just curious.
[00:35:28] Brianne: Yeah, I think one of our always most popular is anything to do with narcissism, like truth. That's a big one. Anything with narcissism or dealing with a narcissistic partner or a parent. How to get out of a narcissistic relationship. Okay, five signs you're in a toxic relationship.
Those are actually very big. The other ones that would be surprising is anything with body dysmorphia, men with eating disorders. Like those ones a lot of people resonate with because it's subjects that a lot of people don't talk about.
[00:36:02] Dr. Sarah: Uhhuh. Okay.
[00:36:04] Brianne: Yeah, so. But I talk about literally anything you can imagine. I pretty much talk about on the podcast, so.
And I have a lot of people reach out about my. Anything with limerence. Anything like limerence. When you're projecting a fantasy onto someone Else or limerence at work. Those are really big because most people don't talk about that.
[00:36:24] Dr. Sarah: Yeah. Okay.
And how do you kind of balance that? I guess I would call it radical honesty. Yes. Responsibility. When you feel like people are like, in pain and maybe as they're talking, they might even start to get really emotional. I bet that's like.
And as a coach, you know, you.
Yeah, that. How do you kind of navigate that?
[00:36:48] Brianne: I guess because I've been in the darkest moments of my life and through it. So I see I can hold that for people and not fully, you know, it. It flows in and flows out and so I know where they've been so I can hold that space for them and that there's no judgment. So I really work just with the podcast, with the articles, with my book, with what I do with clients.
I'm not. I don't judge anybody. You can tell me anything and I will never judge you because I've either done it myself, thought about doing it, know somebody that did it, help somebody get out of it. So. And I've come from such a dark place and dug my way out of that to like the light that I. It's like I'm turning around and shining the light on somebody else in their darkness or their moment.
[00:37:34] Dr. Sarah: Yeah.
[00:37:34] Brianne: Someone to stand there and hold it for them, with them.
[00:37:38] Dr. Sarah: Yeah. And I, you know, you created a safe space for the people who decided to come on your podcast, it sounds like. And I feel like that's kind of missing from main stream wellness content is to have a space to go and speak and let that out and kind of have that healing process by going on your podcast.
And do you feel like.
Because I feel like. I don't think there is another podcast out there like yours.
I think no, there's not a one of one.
[00:38:11] Brianne: Yeah, there's not. I mean, people have people come on and talk about their recovery or their addiction and. But I just feel like they skim the surface and I'm not judging, but I feel like we're like black sheep, but we're just like trudging it along, just bringing like lightness to dark and having. Letting people say the things that they don't. They can't stay on mainstream podcasts because it's not sellable. It's not. You can't sound bites. You know what I'm saying? It. Sometimes it's too dark and people don't want to go there. And my. We need to bring the shadow out into the light because that's why people hurt People do things act in a way where they are not in their morals or values because their shadows taking over. So the moment you allow someone's shadow to come out and all the things they're so embarrassed about, so afraid to say so, the thoughts or the things they've done, when you give them that space, it truly is so freeing and healing.
[00:39:07] Dr. Sarah: Yeah. Yes.
[00:39:10] Brianne: Mainstream media doesn't really do that. It's more buzzy in my eyes, but it's okay.
[00:39:17] Dr. Sarah: Yeah.
And between, you know, so everybody knows. She has her books, her podcast, her websites, which I'm going to share with all of you so you can access it. What's your. What would you say is, like, a favorite moment you have from being an actress? Do you have a favorite? Like, what was your favorite, like, show gig have. I don't know how you classify it. Like, what would you say is your favorite?
[00:39:42] Brianne: I think my favorite scene I've ever done, I mean, I love the movie Synchronicity. I think it was beautifully shot. I love my character in it, Abby. She was so smart. She's like a science fiction writer. So that's, like, one of my favorite movies that I love.
It was. I got to shoot it in Atlanta, when I'm from Atlanta, and so I got to see my family. I was shooting there. And so that was like a beautiful.
And just the dialogue was so beautifully written. It was almost poetically written.
[00:40:11] Dr. Sarah: Okay.
[00:40:12] Brianne: And then. So I guess my favorite scene as an actor is Lena Graves and six where she was having a fight with her husband in the garage.
And they were talking, fighting. And I get really emotional talking about it because she. They lost their baby. So it was this hard moment between the two characters. And in that time, I actually had a miscarriage with my child.
[00:40:37] Dr. Sarah: Wow.
[00:40:37] Brianne: So I, the actress, was going through that loss while I was shooting that show. So it was a really intense kind of healing to be acting out the same thing I was feeling inside.
[00:40:51] Dr. Sarah: Yeah.
[00:40:52] Brianne: Beautiful. And then I think the other part I loved was I got to work. I work with my husband. He is a director as well, and I've directed a couple movies, and I. One of my last films was with him. It was Secret Life. They took Secret Life after my book came out, and they changed the title to the movie. It's called Secret Life of a Celebrity Surrogate. And that character is so badass. She was a badass bitch, and I just loved her. So those are, like, my three favorite, if I could pick off the top of my head that I really enjoyed.
[00:41:27] Dr. Sarah: Okay.
That's powerful. I love that. And, and yeah. Very sorry that you were going through that when you were. It's okay.
[00:41:36] Brianne: It was my life. Yeah.
[00:41:40] Dr. Sarah: Yeah. And so. And then your life today, kind of. So, yeah. You're married to Mark Gantt and you're a mom.
And actually, just so the audience knows how I kind of connected with Brianne is my sister. Laura is really good friends with Alice and her sister in law. Yeah. So her brother is Mark. Okay. All these connections. Okay. And.
And basically.
And yeah. And so you guys currently are located in California. Right.
All right. And you said you're from Atlanta. That's funny because I recently went and checked out Atlanta now I've been there twice. I had a girl on my podcast who has a beauty spa in Atlanta. So. Yeah. And so how is recovery and the work of becoming your own soulmate shown up in marriage and parenting differently than maybe it did in earlier relationship or how do you want to talk about how it's showed up in your current.
[00:42:44] Brianne: I mean, I think if you ask my husband, we've been together for 21 years, he says I'm a completely different person.
Like who I was and who I am now is completely. I never, when I can say I'm sorry. I used to never be able to say I'm sorry. I'm not as stubborn. I can. We communicate about everything.
Everything. There's nothing off the table that can't be discussed.
I can see his flaws and not get repulsed. Like I used to see men's flaws. I'd be like, ew, get it together. I can be in my feminine more instead of my masculine because that's how I grew up with a very masculine mother, how I became. And so I got to soften more with my husband and I would say the same with my child. You know, I never wanted to be married or have a child and just in my recovery that became possible for me.
[00:43:37] Dr. Sarah: Okay.
[00:43:38] Brianne: And having to then show up for my son, which I have an eight year old son.
And, and, and not in meshing with him, not trying to get his energy, not trying to fix him when he's having a bad day and letting and talking about feelings. We have a feelings wheel and he brings it to me and we're going through feelings and he knows about client stuff. So I'm very honest and open and talk about everything from, you know, don't, you know, sexual assault that can happen to feelings are allowed to mom's mom's upset. Don't try to fix her. Like you don't need to fix me. Let me be upset.
So I'm just really proud of all the work that I've done. Done because I, my husband and I have broken the generational trauma. Because if I look back at my childhood and how traumatic it was and then my mom's are down the line, it's just like trauma and trauma and trauma. So both are really proud of the work we've done to break that curse.
[00:44:40] Dr. Sarah: Yeah.
That's beautiful. Okay. Yeah. And would you kind of say for the listeners, like, what's one practical tool or reframe from your work that they could try this week if they feel like maybe they're stuck in the fantasy loop or toxic pattern?
Yeah.
[00:45:01] Brianne: So just have to know, like the moment you think something would fix you, like the job will fix you, the car will fix you, the person will fix you. If they just text you back. That's what I need you to notice.
Like this thing of what if, if this happens, happen, that is the start of it. And it's going. Wait a minute, pause. Like, what is going on right now? Oh, I really want this thing or this person or this text or this job or whatever it is. Why? Because I right now am activated. Like, I feel anxious, my stomach hurts. Go to the body. Like that's what I want you to do.
And then go. But is.
But what do I think I'm missing that this thing is not going to give me?
What am I missing? And then that's where the start is. And I know it's like a. You have to go through the whole. You can go on my site right now and look at the fantasy loop and the healing loop and you can go through and go through the steps that help people get out of it.
But that's what I think. It's like we have an emptiness. Then we think this thing is going to fix us. And it's like, no, no, no. Like where in my body do I need to regulate and what is actually happening in reality and what do I think it's going to give me that I can give myself?
[00:46:16] Dr. Sarah: Okay.
And it also. Yeah, I like that.
Yeah. So everybody can go on her and look up the fantasy loop and access all her tools and everything. Yeah.
[00:46:27] Brianne: And there's a questionnaire you can go on the FantasyLoop.com and there's a questionnaire you can answer and it will tell you what part of the loop you are in and what can help you. And then the truth. Right. Reset. That really helps you reset your nervous system in that moment. So they can go on and all Those tools are there for free.
[00:46:46] Dr. Sarah: Amazing. Okay. Love it. And now it sounds like you're working on a nonfiction companion.
[00:46:55] Brianne: Yes.
Yeah. Here it is. I have. My relationships are killing me. Here's the.
So far it's about eight most toxic relationships and how you work through them. So it can be an unmashing parent with their child. It's like a narcissist and a codependent. It goes through the most. Or that friend that ride or die friend that you always get in trouble with. That is not. Is very complex relationships. So I go through the eight relationships and how you get on the other side and then we're. I'm also writing the Fantasy Loop book. That's like a book you can go and actually dig deep and get out of the fantasy for like people that can't get someone like me to help them as a coach and move through it. It's a book of everything I do with my clients.
[00:47:42] Dr. Sarah: Okay. Amazing resource. Okay.
And so kind of what would you say? I don't know. If people want to find you and your work right now, obviously it's, you know, your books, your podcast, your website. What would you suggest?
[00:48:06] Brianne: This way is just go to my Instagram the Breanne Davis. Every day I put up something. I put rules to live by. The things you can break down. You know, little clips of what I learned with a client that day. You know, the quotes of the day that has a bunch of information. So that would be the quickest. And then you can go to my website, look at the Fantasy Loop, go listen to 300 plus podcasts. I like it's literally every research the whole archive now because there's so much of information that we're archiving now.
[00:48:39] Dr. Sarah: Okay.
[00:48:39] Brianne: Together in one place.
[00:48:42] Dr. Sarah: Yeah. And would you kind of say I don't know, I was gonna kind of ask you like a fun question. So what like a favorite kind of episode or topic you covered on Secret Life that still maybe surprises you on with its impact.
And I don't know like is there. I know we kind of talked about the one that's more common, but there is a. Is there a particular topic that stands out to you? Anything?
[00:49:13] Brianne: I mean there's so many that I. I can't even pick one. I know there's some that when I was recording it, I had a physical reaction. Any of them child abuse, sexual assault, someone almost being murdered.
Those ones are. Were really hard to listen to while recording and not having a full reaction. I mean some of them teary eyed. But you know, if I really think about it. It's those really dark ones that were hard to listen, but I knew I was helping someone heal with allowing to come and talk about it.
So the. The part is sometimes you're going to listen to an episode and you're going to wonder why I'm not asking a question you think I should ask. But then that asking of that question could shut them down or come off as judgmental. So, yeah, really trying to stay neutral as much as possible and ask the next question without condemning anybody.
[00:50:17] Dr. Sarah: Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I mean, I give you props and kudos for being in that seat, in that role.
Yeah. But you're also doing such a great thing. So I give. I think you deserve lots of credit for what you're doing on that podcast.
And if Roxanne from the books could, like, I don't know, give one piece of advice or vice versa, what would it be? You know, of the current daybreak, like,
[00:50:48] Brianne: to me, Roxanne would give it a.
[00:50:51] Dr. Sarah: Roxanne from the book could give current daybream one piece of advice, or vice versa. What would it be?
[00:50:56] Brianne: Yeah, she would say just, you know, just keep doing what you're doing. Because I think there's moments where I'm like, am I done yet? Like, I've told enough about myself. I've already shared. I'm, like, putting myself. I'm, like, trying to heal, heal other people. And she's. She would be like, girl, just keep going. Like, you're doing what you're supposed to do.
Like, God is doing it for you. Get out of the way. I think because Roxanne went through her own journey of finding her form of God, that that's what she would say to me. She'd be like, shut up. And to keep doing it, like, I think you'd say something like that.
[00:51:32] Dr. Sarah: Awesome.
And I know we kind of touched on this really quickly, like, Lightly Lee before in our conversations, but would you say that kind of the new book you're about to have come out is most helpful, possibly with friendships? It sounds like maybe I've had my fair share of, as I say, for some reason.
Yeah. I'm not gonna go into detail, but I've had some friendships that I'm just like, wow, where did that come from? You know? Or.
[00:52:01] Brianne: Yeah.
[00:52:01] Dr. Sarah: And, you know, when you try to give people a chance or think maybe they're going through something, so I'm going to be the friend to them, and then you end up kind of getting burned or things happen, you know, and so I think that would you Suggest that new, newer book coming out for something dealing with that.
[00:52:19] Brianne: Yeah. Because it really goes into the detail of how dealing with it. And I truly think friendship breakups are actually more painful than love breakups. I mean, myself included. And I talk about friendship breakups on the podcast and I about talk. Talk about it.
Becoming your own effing soulmate, breaking up with a friend is. It's so painful. Worse than a love relationship. So I really go into like the characteristics of what happened, what you're attaching to that friendship show up and how maybe they don't show up and then your expectations of them and everything like that and how to see the warning signs and when to know to pull back and not have expectations.
[00:52:59] Dr. Sarah: Yeah.
[00:53:00] Brianne: Because it's that attachment sometimes.
[00:53:03] Dr. Sarah: Okay.
[00:53:04] Brianne: Especially if you become friends instantaneously. You know that. So it's.
If you're holding on to. Because it's loyalty or time. So yeah, it goes into that.
[00:53:16] Dr. Sarah: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I said I thought but I lost it. Dang it. Okay. But yeah. Okay, that's. That's good to know. So everybody listening out there who maybe has dealt with some things where I've, I. I tend to be. I tend to go above and beyond more than I should sometimes. So. Yeah. But I think I've learned my lesson. But I'm hoping I have, you know, but. But it's almost like. But I don't want to be too cautious and not, you know, but my
[00:53:43] Brianne: is mirror what they're giving you then like how they act. You mirror that back to them if they over share. Yes. You don't over share. But you just have to show up and have no expectations of that other person and know that you're being the best that you can. But you can't over give.
[00:54:01] Dr. Sarah: You can't.
[00:54:03] Brianne: If you do that, people do take it for granted. That's why I say it's like gonna take. There has to be a flow of energy with friendship.
[00:54:09] Dr. Sarah: Yes. That's great point. Great advice.
Well, yeah. So everybody listening today. I've had some. So much fun talking with you, Brian. I wish we had more time, but that's okay. And, but it's been amazing and yeah. So everybody get out there, read her books, check out her podcast, go to her website with all her resources. She truly has some amazing things and you know, and she's coming from a successful marriage and she's a mom and an actress and a podcaster and an author and I'm sure much more. And she's gorgeous. So.
And very sweet and so thank you so much, Brianne, for coming on. And I of course, will be sharing all your links on the Instagram page. So everybody listening? Follow her. And yeah, so it's Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict and Becoming my Own Effing soulmate. And then Brianne Davis, relationship coach, author of Secret Boy.
[00:55:09] Brianne: Yes. Yeah.
[00:55:11] Dr. Sarah: All right. Anything you want to close with?
[00:55:14] Brianne: Yeah. If you ever have any questions or if someone's struggling out there, you know, I try to answer all my dms. I'm doing it. Nobody's doing it. So please reach out to me. You can go to my Instagram at the Brianne Davis and DM me and I try to answer, give resources. So just reach out, support.
[00:55:33] Dr. Sarah: Yeah, amazing. All right, everybody, well, thanks so much for listening to Dr. Random podcast. And as always, I'll say ciao.
